Burning Off Some Energy
by FenOnFire
Summary: Group counseling? What could possibly go wrong? (Slightly AU.)
1. Chapter 1

Inspired entirely by a comment on Tumblr.

Warning: Slightly dark comedy.

* * *

XR ran his metallic tongue over two points in his mouth. One, two. Pointy, sharp drill-things he filed off every morning before work, only for them to grow back during his recharge cycle. He didn't want anyone to see the file marks on days when he was less of a perfectionist, or not quite so good at hiding them.

His friends had noticed that he wasn't as talkative as usual.

Was that really so surprising? He had trouble talking to his robot companions, too. While the organics suspected there was _something_ _wrong_ with XR, the other machines knew there was something _wrong with XR_. A small, but important difference. They could sense it, they avoided him, and couldn't explain why someone half their size suddenly made their circuits crawl. He knew why.

Another small, but important difference was that the drills had started to grow back while he was awake, and with this new growth came some new impulses. He'd see a robot alone, and start wondering how charged up they were. He'd see an electrical socket, and wonder how he could get a little boost from it without anyone noticing.

"That'll be sixteen unibucks, sir." The cashier bagged up his packages of D batteries. XR found that when he found little hiding places, he could stick one or two in his mouth and let the energy seep inside. Usually, this satisfied the cravings. It wasn't much of a boost, and lately doing it once or twice a day wasn't enough. He was going through a pack or two of batteries per day. XR was seriously starting to consider getting something with a little more power, like a shuttle battery. Anything to keep him from going after someone else! He couldn't recharge the batteries he was buying because his drills made holes and sticking damaged batteries in a recharger would start a fire or cause an explosion (as he'd learned the hard way. Fortunately he was able to put out the fire before the smoke alarms went off). That could lead to questions. He wondered how Mira was holding up.

Speaking of which, unlike Mira he wasn't going to burn out like a light bulb if he kept doing this. So, he wasn't a hypocrite for giving her that lecture.

After sneaking off to his preferred alley- behind a slightly shady nightclub- he unwrapped two batteries and set them in his mouth as usual. XR sighed quietly. This pack was old; that had to be the reason they weren't taking the edge off his craving. He went through almost the entire pack before it was beaten back to manageable levels, and set to work on the next one. The little robot was halfway through the third before he noticed that yes, in fact, he was slurping down three packages of batteries now. Oh well. He had it under control.

One of these days, he'd like to have this little problem eliminated.

* * *

It had been two weeks since the whole 'energy ghosting' incident, and she was lucky to still have her job. Her life, too.

Mira was glad Star Command handled things like this the way a police department would: she got away with a verbal reprimand, and was put on leave. Then came her least favorite part... mandatory counseling.

With an approved counselor.

That meant Dr. Animus.

_Well, it would help,_ she convinced herself. _I just ghosted the remote and now I can't change the channel._ It was a hard lesson, that she didn't have this addiction under control. Her first appointment was in a week.

It would be nice if she didn't have to go alone.

* * *

In his cell, NOS-4A2 flitted back and forth. PC-7 was dull and boring, grating, infuriating. It chafed his ego. He really wanted robotic guards. He got vile _organic_ ones. He wanted lights, an electrical socket, anything that could satisfy his preprogrammed need for energy. What he got was a special charging unit that shut off once it gave him a specific amount of voltage- the bare minimum needed to keep prison inspectors and robot rights activists happy.

Some fool rebuilt him. He didn't know who, how, or why, but that hadn't mattered. He'd fled the cramped laboratory the second he'd come online. Of course, the energy vampire managed to get himself caught and imprisoned only a few short months later, before he'd even found a decent lair, let alone stored enough power to do anything useful for himself.

If only there were some way out...

* * *

Dr. Animus shuffled his papers, putting an old case back into a file and taking out another folder, full of upcoming cases. Mira Nova caught his eye. Tangean psychology was notoriously difficult to study, in part because their medical community didn't share much with the rest of the galaxy and in part because they kept their troubled or unstable individuals home (minimizing any chance of outside study).

And he had no information whatsoever on energy ghosting. The Tangeans were content to keep such data to themselves.

Hmmm... was she the only person around with this particular problem?


	2. A Common Thread

Zurg took a sip of his tea, and put the dainty cup back on its coaster. Then he picked up the pattern, looking at it with narrowed eyes. He didn't know how to cable knit!

"Is there something wrong, Zeke?" said Ethel. She was the sweet little old lady who led the knitting club. She was also one of those absurdly old people, having outlived three husbands and four of her nineteen children, along with most of the original members of the knitting club. Ethel wouldn't say how old she was, but Zurg (oh, excuse me, "Zeke") had a ballpark estimate of at least one hundred and ten years.

"I don't know how to make cables."

"Oh dear! I do have a few spare cable needles, you can have one and I'll show you how to do it, okay young man?"

"Yes, that sounds lovely Ethel. By the way, are you enjoying your tea-of-the-month subscription?"

"Oh, Zeke, you know your way to this old lady's heart! The teas are lovely, thank you."

"You're quite welcome. Which one is your favorite?"

"So far, the cinnamon vanilla chai and the spiced orange pekoe."

Warp, or "William" as he was called at these club meetings, stared blankly into space as his boss rambled on with a bunch of old women about tea and yarn, dolls and smelly candles... and every other old lady topic there was. Ethel showed Zurg how to make cables, and true to her word let her keep the extra needle. _Great. More knitting supplies._ Warp already knew more about gauge, tension, circular vs double pointed vs plain knitting needles, thimbles, and other associated topics than he ever wanted to, and he didn't even participate (sometimes he made the tea and brought the cookies. They were his only solace in these dark times.)

"If we could get back on topic, Ethel, I do believe we were in the process of making hats for premature babies." That was Claudia. She was one of those old ladies who was best described as 'preserved by salt and vinegar'. She'd grown up in the Outback Quadrant, and was always suspicious of everyone she hadn't known longer than a decade or so- especially young men, a category that to her meant 'anyone under sixty-five'. Warp was pretty sure she knew who Zeke and William really were, but had the sense to keep it to herself. Actually, sometimes she impressed him by letting loose her acid tongue at Zeke.

"Oh, you're absolutely right! Where were we, round thirteen?"

"Yes, before you had to give Zeke a remedial lesson."

"Claudia, be nice, I'm sure once upon a time you weren't skilled enough for fairs and contests."

Claudia's lip curled ever-so-slightly. "Back then I didn't have _time_ for fairs and contests."

"Back to round thirteen! So we knit three, purl three, no increases this row, and repeat for the next three rows and finish with the lace bind off. Does everyone know how to do that?"

Murmurs of assent all around, and the club went back to their needlework. Warp was so bored, he was going crazy. He was getting a call, and excused himself. Warp stepped into the kitchen and answered. It was NOS-4-A2. _My day just gets better and better._ "Hey, Nosy, what's up? And how did you get my number?"

"Oh, nothing much, Darkmatter, I just have a little revenge scheme and wanted to know if Zurg wanted in on it. He's not answering my calls."

_Zurg probably put my number in his contacts._ "Right, well, he's busy right now so I'll have him call you back."

The energy vampire's eyes narrowed. "Busy with what?"

"Knitting some hats."

"_Knitting?!_" the energy vampire yelled indignantly. "Who knits in this day and age? He's ignoring me to- to act like an old fuddy-duddy? Do you know how hard it was to get this call? The nerve of some people! I ought to-"

Warp didn't find out what the irate robot ought to do because he hung up. He smirked and went back to the meeting, feeling much better knowing his day wasn't the only one ruined by Zurg's hobby.


	3. Chapter 3

Mira walked with a steady, even pace. To say her first session went poorly was an understatement. Dr. Animus wanted to talk about her childhood, like that had anything to do with her energy ghosting. How could it? She wasn't even really yelled at. True, she and her father had their differences over the years, and with their strong personalities that often led to... impassioned arguments- but craters, you'd think she was a traumatized survivor of abuse the way he kept poking at everything!

Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe he was just trying to be thorough, and she was being defensive like she was when this all started. All he'd asked about, in the end, was how well she got along with her family. _Man, I could use a boost._ She pressed her fingers against her temples, trying to crowd out the craving with some traditional Tangean meditation. It wasn't helping; if anything, the craving got stronger. Soon Mira made it to the cafeteria, where she decided to get extra food, and maybe some kind of espresso drink. That might settle her down, getting energy the natural way. Natural was good.

* * *

Dr. Animus considered the session a success, although he was certain in hindsight that his patient had misunderstood his intentions. She seemed to have taken the background questions quite personally... this could be a problem. He had found a probable personality trait that contributed to her addiction, and given the nature of the addiction it made sense: Miss Nova had a strong, often overwhelming desire to prove herself, to be better, and to be different from what she perceived as the stifling, inflexible Tangean ruling class. This trait he had seen before, though generally those patients were taking stimulants or performance-enhancing drugs, not sapping energy from a nuclear reactor, but the principle held. _Very interesting_, he thought, and wrote that down in his post-session notes.

* * *

XR zipped into the restroom, checking his mouth again. "Oh, this isn't good," he said to himself, his optics flashing between his normal yellow and a certain shade of red. "They can't be coming back already!" It was now every two hours that he had to file the fangs, and he'd accidentally stalked a vend-bot while he was on patrol a few days ago. He hadn't done anything, thank goodness, but when he realized what he was doing he was so distraught he couldn't stop shaking. XR vowed right then and there he would go cold-turkey, and so far it worked. His processor felt like it was being trampled by a million angry Jo-Adians, but he hadn't bought batteries or stuck his fingers in any sockets or chased down any robots, so it had to be working. _Just starve the programming out, that should work._ He was having some trouble purging it from his system- it kept reappearing, hidden in other data. More recently, it started splitting itself up, somehow still functioning despite being fragmented almost beyond recognition, and was sinking in deeper, like fangs...

And so XR went out and got lubricated after work, which helped a lot, but then disaster struck. He was still craving energy- his programming constantly roared at him to get some, and this time he obeyed. He started prowling, ignoring Nebula's desk (something told him his dad would notice if the desk didn't bother him at least twice a day) despite the temptation. Soon, he was deep in the clutches of the vampiric programming, and saw his next target. Somebody was pacing down the empty hallway, murmuring under her breath. It was someone he knew. Mira was still wearing her Ranger suit, freshly-charged and alive with thick, spicy waves of electric energy. It was more than the little robot could bear. He pulled a cape out of his chest compartment and wrapped it around his shoulders before coming out o his hiding place. XR hissed and lolled his tongue at her, not caring that she saw his fangs and glowing optics, and wheeled at her so fast smoke came up behind him. Her eyes widened in shock. "XR!"

He crashed into her with his most intimidating and vampiric yell, which Mira would have found hilarious if he hadn't just lunged at her throat. She shoved him away, and he popped right back on her and sunk his pointy fangs into the shoulder of her suit- or thought he had. Instead his fangs got stuck in the ground, electric lines kept a tantalizing distance from his spinning teeth... She ghosted the rest of the way through him and jumped to her feet, then shouted at him again. "What do you think you're doing? How long have you been hiding this?"

"Huh? What?" Wait... Why was Mira upset at him this time?

"You just tried to bite my suit!"

"I... huh?" XR's eyes slowly blinked back to yellow. "I did what?"

"You _attacked_ me," she insisted, clearly expecting some explanation.

_Craters! What do I do now?_ "No, that was just a joke, umm... I gotta go, late for my dentist appointment, bye!" XR raced away, horrified. He attacked someone! And not just anyone, Mira, a member of his team. This was bad, he'd be found out for sure!

"Hey! Come back here!" Mira shouted after him, and ran after him. "XR!" What had gotten into him?

* * *

Commander Nebula marched down the hallway, when suddenly that pesky robot shot past him, screaming and followed closely by Mira.

He stared for a moment, wondering if he should stop them, and went on his way. No, he was not going to get involved in their shenanigans. It would just make it easier for the desk to find him.

* * *

There was a bathroom, and XR turned sharply into it. "Ha! Mira wouldn't dare follow me in here!" he shouted triumphantly. The fear of manly toilets would surely keep her at bay!

"This is the women's restroom, XR."

The little robot squealed and hid under the sink. "Don't tell Pops! He'll deactivate me!" he begged.

Mira's face softened. "I won't. Just tell me what's going on, I want to help."

He sniffled. "You do?"

Mira nodded. XR wrapped his arms around her. "Aw, thanks Mira! You're the best friend a robot like me could ask for."

She patted his back, smiling. It was a sweet, cuddly moment for them both. Then she heard a scraping sound and ripped him away, holding him at arms length. "XR. You _really_ need to see the LGMs." There were little dings in her armor where he'd tried to sneak a bite.

XR laughed sheepishly. "Yes, ma'am, right away. Sorry about that."


End file.
